Smuge

So much to do…

…and so little time. Can anyone else believe that it’s 2012 already? My whole life seems to be slipping away before my very eyes! I could do with some of that fancy time management software we have at the office just to try and help keep my precious free time in order, and not waste too much of it doing pointless things! Take last weekend, for example. I had all these plans for catching up with friends, seeing a movie, tidying the flat, cooking a proper dinner for me and my flatmate on Sunday and maybe even, if I managed to get myself organised and motivated and the weather wasn’t too horrendous, to go for a run.

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Obsession with the macabre: Final Destination series

Like a series of horrifying but carefully crafted bad dreams for all of us to share and witness, the infamous Final Destination films – beginning with the first one at the start of the new millennium, over ten years ago now – started off a legacy of horror which we haven’t seen the back of yet (a legacy which led to ’torture porn'overtaking sales of many family films, which is certainly something not many people saw coming). In the films, where death itself is the baddie out for blood, America teenagers – usually on their summer holidays or about to graduate school for a year of fun and mischief –pit their wits against the Grim Reaper, attempting to divert his or her plan of impending doom. The unfortunate thing? It rarely happens, and if it does then it usually leads to a horrible revelation for more than one character…

the demise of each character always comes as a surprise, even for the eagle-eyed viewer

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Today’s Passion is for Potter

It has happened at last. The long-awaited finale of the Harry Potter series of films has finally arrived at the big screen around the world. Fans have been eagerly, even desperately, awaiting its arrival, especially since the producers and directors have hinted that it was going to be the best of the best. More special effects, more pyrotechnics, more drama, more deaths …

Like many thousands, if not millions, of people, I was looking forward to the release of this eighth and final film in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part Two. I have followed the books and films for many years now, and I was keen to see how the films would be resolved.

I was not as keen as some people! A young woman I know, in her very early twenties, was crying with anticipation and excitement before she went to see the last film. She and her friends had booked their seats at the local cinema for the opening night just as soon as the date was announced. For weeks before the film was released, all they could talk about was how excited they were, and also how sad, that it was all coming to an end.

On the night in question, it nearly all came to a disaster. The designated driver collected the last of the party, only to find that she had nearly run out of petrol. In a frantic search for diesel for her car, they very nearly arrived at the cinema late!

Those of them who stayed in London to see the film were the most restrained ones. Some of my friend’s acquaintances actually flew to America to see this eighth Harry Potter film. On an online internet forum for Harry Potter fans, they had met several other enthusiasts, who had decided to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at the Universal Studies visitor attraction in Orlando, Florida, in order to have not just an evening at the cinema, but also a whole Harry Potter-themed holiday.

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Can you be a Christian without really being a Christian?

I know. It is an odd question, isn’t it? You’d have every right to say “no, of course not” or “did he bang his head?” Answer: I did not bang my head. At least I don’t think. The problem with banging your head, though, is that from what I have seen on movies, people who have banged their heads very rarely know they’ve done it.

But let’s say I haven’t banged anything, the question is still relevant. Ready? Let’s go.

Many people call themselves Christians when, in fact, they don’t even go to church. They marry in church and they have Christenings in church, but is that the same thing? I don’t think so. Going to church is for praying after all, and that’s what being a Christian is all about.

Me? I was born a Christian and I had no choice. So now I am technically a Christian. But really, in truth, the fact is that I am about as Christian as I am a Muslim. I know as much about how to find Special Needs Teaching Jobs as I do about how to hold a hymn-book properly.

My issue isn’t with people who approve of Christian values and that way of life. Far from it. My issue is more that you can’t be a Christian without actually living your LIFE that way.

I wouldn’t have such a problem with it, it’s just that time and time again people ask me what I am and then look at me funny when the answer comes back inconclusive.

It wasn’t my fault I was baptised, just remember that!

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Why is First Class First Class?

Ever since I was first old enough to set foot on a train I have wondered: what, actually, is the point of First Class? It looks the same. It smells the same. Basically, it IS THE SAME. The only notable differences are as follows, and these are things which, for the record, aren’t particularly significant anyway.

1) The seats have cotton pieces on the head-rests, so that when you set your head back you are doing so – touching the head-rest, I mean – only for the 100^th time that day (which is not bad considering how many times more heads touch the head-rests in regular class. 2) The seats are a different colour and have better mini-tables. 3) Er…there is a sliding door on the front that says First Class on it. That’s it.

So why, then, does it cost so damn much to upgrade to first class?

My guess is this: when you pay for First Class, you’re not actually paying for the quality of where you are sitting, oh no. You’re ACTUALLY paying for the chance to not sit near regular class people. In First Class, you will only sit next to the headmaster of an important private school, or next to a laser hair removal sussex surgeon. Is this good? Apparently so, for what it is worth…

Me? I couldn’t care less about the little cotton pieces on the head-rests. Give me regular class any day, for I am one of the people and proud to be for as long as possible.

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Scre4m

Possibly one of the cleverest horror franchises in the past twenty years is back with an entry that seems a shadow of its former glory. Scream 4 (or Scre4m if you want to be pedantic) brings back the original trio of Sydney Prescott (Neve Campbell), Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox) and bumbling Deputy…sorry ‘Sheriff'Dewey Riley (David Arquette). However there’s some new kids on the block as well notably Julia Roberts niece Emma stepping in as Sydney’s niece.

The plot is predictable with little to separate it from a thousand other horror movie plots. Nearly twenty years after the Woodsboro murders, Sydney returns home to the famous town to promote her equally famous new book – some nonsense about ‘coming out of the darkness’. About five minutes after she’s arrived in town a new killer starts offing pretty young people. Whilst Kevin Williamson returned to script this fourth entry with Craven directing, it seems to have lost a lot of the original sparkle and wit that made the first two entries so amusing.

There are some great moments in the film – a particularly gruesome murder that makes real estate lebanon look like skipping through a field of daisies springs to mind – but overall Scre4m doesn’t come close to matching the original’s well…originality! The characters are well worn and the usual stereotypes crop up – film geek, jock, jock’s girlfriend etc, – but there are still a few chuckles.

The problem is that Scre4m now exists in an era where cynicism is so rife, that not even a film acknowledging this state can escape snarky critiques…like this one. Overall it’s a passable Friday night movie, but I wouldn’t go out of your way to see it.

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Road Trippin’

Well I was thinking about where to have my summer holidays this year. I have seen way too much of the states, Toured around Europe in my youth. seen enough of South American to last me a life time and been in Asia for months at a time, my only option left, I thought was to visit the Arctic or Antarctic or to head off to the middle East, or maybe Australia.
Now, this is a summer trip that I am thinking about so I think the north and south poles are off the list, I want sun and culture during my trip. There are too many things in Australia that want to kill you and in honesty, too many Australians too. So that leaves me with the Middle East to consider, now the way that things currently are out there, the chances of being killed are probably higher than Australia, and the chances of being caught up in some political protest is almost unavoidable but there is just something so exciting about visiting what is practically a war zone.
My thought was to fly in Beirut and maybe see if there are any cars for sale in Lebanon and then just drive on the open road through mountains and deserts in Syria, visit Damascus and then maybe head back south into Jordan and then on into Israel, through Palestine and spend some time in Hebron and in the Gaza strip. You might think I am mad but I can’t think of a better way to spend my summer.

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The Perfect Pet? Why, A Budgie Of Course!

The reason for me writing this article should be obvious: the Budgie has been too often overlooked as a pet. While dogs and cats have enjoyed being the subjects of films, books and cartoons, the budgie has only ever made an appearance in a cartoon when it was to be eaten shortly after, and rarely has it featured in films or books. So there you have it; everyone should know how great budgie’s are.

But be warned, there are things that budgie’s will never be good at. One of them is flying in an enclosed space, and the other is being friendly. It doesn’t matter how you treat them, me and my friend Doug Hyde have both had budgie’s and both of us agree: it’s hard to find one that doesn’t want to kill you when you pick it up.

That said, there’s no reason why you should want to pick the budgie up. If you like you can stroke it while it sits menacingly on its perch – always use gloves – and if you need muck-out the cage then you can always encourage him or her out into another smaller cage while you do the job. I realise I have given minimal reasons to love budgie’s in this post, but really with this spectacle of pets it’s just best to go with your instinct. So go out and buy a budgie today and save that one you see every morning on the way to work from a life lived behind glass. He or she will thank you for it. Once he or she has stopped trying to kill you…

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How Lacking Car Insurance Will Ruin Your Life

If you don’t have insurance then you should prepare yourself for the fact that when something goes very wrong you will be unable to do anything about it, or if you can do something about it, it will cost you thousands of pounds to fix it. Take for example something like car insurance. There is a very good reason that car insurance is a mandatory purchase. Cars are such expensive objects that when they are involved in accidents there is always going to be a great cost involved in making them road worthy again. And then there’s all the things that can happen to a car when you are not even driving it and in control of it.
Cars can be stolen, thousands are stolen every day around the world. Even if cars never had an accidents there would still be the need for insurance just to protect them from theft. They are after all one of the most expensive possesions that can be easily stolen — after all, cars are their own getaway vehicle. So, getting insurance for every car that you own is essential. And this can often be done very cheaply with something like no deposit car insurance that will enable you to purchase insurance with making a big investment immediately.
So without car insurance what will happen to you? Well first of all in almost every country in the world car insurance is a legal requirement. So not having car insurance will therefore lead to things happening like you having to pay a large fine. It’s just not a one time fee though, you’ll have to then pay a much more expensive insurance premium each year in order to own a car. Commit the offense many times, and you’ll maybe lose your house. Then it’ll be park home insurance that you’re having to pay for. Or not paying for.

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Mined Your Own Business (Sorry…)

The Chilean miners are free! After what must seem like an eternity stuck at the bottom of a very very long pit, with not much else to do other than look at things in the dark and deal with the horrible possibility that death might be looming around the corner, they have been released into the world as of yesterday.

So, obviously, you can imagine they were extremely happy when the president of Chile challenged them to an energy-fuelled football match…Yes, a prospect almost as enticing as being asked to do gags about…Say…being trapped down a mine in a Live comedy show. With a gun to the head.

OK, so this is, in fact a joke. Light-hearted humour from the president of Chile in an attempt to make the men feel more at ease. And that’s fine. But what isn’t fine is all the interest in the miners, if you ask me. Before they were just a load of men digging about to feed their families, and now, after this horrific experience they are men being talked about all over the world. Not only this but they are a COMMODITY. The stories come first, then will come the requests for interviews, then the books about it all, and the movies, and the merchandise. Where does it end? More importantly, should there not be a hard and fast rule – or at least guideline – as to when it can be allowed to begin?

All we can hope is that the men get on with their lives the best they can, and manage to feed off the media for a bit, at least until the nightmares have faded a bit. Then, hopefully, it will be the men themselves who decide the fate of their collective intriguing story.

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